Dear family and childhood friends,
Twenty three years ago I did not try to commit suicide, but I did try to hurt myself really bad. While out taking photographs for a high school class, I closed my eyes and fell forward off a steep ridge. My friend Katie went to get help. When I realized I hadn't hurt myself "bad enough" I decided to run away. I walked and walked and it took me a while to realize I had no where to go. I thought I would get in trouble so I did what came naturally to me at the time and I lied. I pretended that I had amnesia and kept up the lie with things I thought I was "supposed" to do, like flashbacks.
At the time, my home life wasn't the best. I hated my parents and they hated me. I hated myself and I hated the world. I was pretty messed up in the head and I wasn't a good person.
I moved in with my aunt and uncle my senior year. They thought they were helping me but I was just running away. That move though, I honestly believe saved my life. I don't know what I would have kept trying to get the attention I thought I needed.
When I moved to Boston I had planned on cutting off all communication to everyone I knew and start new. I don't know why I didn't do that, but I'm so glad I didn't do it.
After three wonderful shrinks, around age 21 things began to click inside my brain and I figured out who I was, what kind of person I wanted to be and what was important.
My relationship with my parents and family is wonderful now and I have a great life. 15 years ago I finally told my father the truth.
So why the public confession?
I don't lie anymore and I tell the truth about this situation as it arises when questions are asked. Questions are being asked but not to me and I don't want any family member to feel like they need to cover for me.
Loving family history as I do, I should set my family history straight. Laura did not have an accident causing amnesia, she was just a troubled young girl who was a big fat liar. I go into the folder of ancestors who had skeletons in their closet (and we have some doosees!)
Our family finds humor in it now and can laugh at the past. I know many of you might be angry with me for lying to you and hurt that I didn't confide in you for the past twenty three years. For that I am truly sorry and hope you can forgive me. If you can't just yet, I understand.
Most people think my life is an open book and for the most part it is, but I, like you, do have my secrets....
Posts
28 comments:
Welcome home! I was a crazy teenager too. I gave my parents fits. Love you.
Hey little one; I put some thought to this post. I am glad you wrote it, but I think "hate" is too strong of a word that portrays the wrong meeting. Your mother and I did not hate you. I will admit we did not meet eye-to-eye with you. I am glad you have turned out the way you have. I love you.
Wow, your courage to come forward amazes me!
I would have never guessed you had a difficult childhood, because you are so loving to your birth family members. You speak of them with love, and your photograpy also speaks without words.
Thank heavens for the gift of confession and atonement! Hope your confession was good for your soul - but it doesn't change my opinion of you as a talented, cheerful, creatively crazy, strong, wonderful LDS woman.
Laura - we love you always! No matter what. You are one the kindest, most generous, most loving and giving people I know. You're entitled to your secrets. I'm sorry that you felt you had to "come clean" in such a public forum. But we all appreciate your reasons, & your honesty and candor.
We are ALL lucky and thankful that you didn't cut ties, that you settled your internal struggle, and that you have turned out to be this incredible woman that we all love!
Whatever life brings us can be painful but in the end we always grow from that pain. You are an amazing person who I am proud to call family. You have turned a terrible situation into a strength and it defines who you are. If their is one thing I truly know about you is you are NOT a "big fat liar"... you may have been once but NOT today. Your strengths as a honest, caring, courageous and generous person is what defines you. Putting your past behind you once and for all and baring your soul and secrets to others is one brave thing to do. My hat goes off to you Laura.... I love you.
That was the most intriguing thing I've ever read. Thanks for sharing that post with the world. That took guts!
Very creative on the amnesia part. You are a sweet person. Love all the stories...love getting to know you.:)
I just watched too many soap operas! :-)
You are NOT the person you were all those years ago!!! We did love you, but with most parents of teenagers, we were so frustrated. We do love you and NEVER stopped. My hat goes off to you, among all your other wonderful qualities, you now can add brave, courageous, and a GREAT MOM!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!
Having known you for 24 + years, I remember this time in your life and how devastating it was for those of us who loved you. It’s such a small moment compared to the many years I have cherished your friendship and been inspired by you. As much as we changed (and thank goodness we did!!) since those teen years, one thing you have always had is the biggest, kindest heart of anyone I’ve ever known. I guess I’m trying to say it doesn’t really matter to me, other than I’m glad you survived these years to become the woman you are. It makes me sad, too that you were experiencing all this pain and had no one to talk to.
Look at you now! I don’t know if your ears were burning the other day, but I was just telling someone about you - “this incredible friend I have that inspires me with the things she writes, the pictures she takes and the joy she shares”. I wish I could put into words how amazed I am by you… It makes me sad that I can’t live near you and be part of the YaYa sisters, in your ward family, or one of your neighbors. I feel like an outsider or a voyeur in your life – but thanks for blogging and sharing yourself and your family with friends like me.
Laura..you rule! Now I'm trying to think of a lie that I told when I was little to come clean on.
Glad to see you have worked everything out...or do we ever fully work everything out.haha
p.s. - I love the picture on this post and the new blog header.
What ? You lied when you were younger ? What tale will you tell us next, that I was lied to for the first twelve years of my life about a fatman in a redsuit going down chimneys to steal cookies and leave boxes, or lied to about a chocolate laying rabbit, or what about the guy that "discovered" America...
I'm so glad to call you friend and am sorry for things you went through, but you wouldn't be who you are today without past struggles. And who you are today is someone I greatly admire :-) When I grow up, I want to be just like you! (and I mean that in all seriousness)
Cute blog. Your boys look so sweet with their quilts {below}. :)
Laura hold on...all comment in just one minute!
To Full HOUSE: You lucky girl...if you have to think hard of a lie...than your strength must always have been honesty!
Laura...
my true reaction to this confession was...
LOL! TEAR! LOL! "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" LOL! TEAR! "I LOVE THIS"
Why?
Because I always struggled growing up with white lies also! (That is why we have connected so well...all repented liars connect) (wink)
You however are way stronger than I could ever be...my hat goes off to you! I just pleaded for forgiveness for any and all lies.
I must say though...everyone has their weaknesses and strengths. I like you have turned a weakness into a strength! But I am able to understand and sympathize with others who struggle with internal identity (especially young women) and with not being honest with themselves or others!
Don't you agree?
So remember that yes,you are a beautiful person now...but your past is beautiful too! It is what made you you...and Thank goodness for that!
Oh my goodness!
I just posted a comment under Family Fun...and now for my confession....that post was from ME! Sherri Jorgensen!
You may want to know...How did this happen?
Well, she blocked her blog...I helped her set it up and I remembered her login. So when I couldn't get on her blog...I logged out on mine and logged in as her so I could read it! Then I read Laura's and posted! OOPS Sorry for the confusion...
I remember how scared and nervous I was having to be reintroduced to my big sister. I love you much. You're an Awesome Aunt to my kids and a Great Sister to me.
I do agree Sherri. I feel like I have so much more empathy toward them and their struggles.
And thanks everyone for the kind words.
I love being able to count you as a good friend. Life doesn't always seem to go in the direction that we think it should. Whatever stumbling blocks you might have faced, I'm glad that overcoming them eventually put you in a spot on the earth where I could meet you. Working with you in Young Womens was not only the most fun thing ever, but such a blessing for me. I feel lucky to have people around me who make me happy, lift me up, and encourage me to be better. You definitely are all of these things. Love your guts!
Um can I cut and paste this and sign my name? You are my hero! You are amazing!! You have courage that I lack!!! You were inspired to write this. I know you may think you did it for you but you did it for me. You were meant to write this and I was meant to read it. I have always thought that you were an amazing person and I never saw what you saw in yourself. I saw a sweet, kind girl with a beautiful smile and a contagious giggle. You are my hero. Thanks for listening to that still small voice and writing this. Miracles and God's Hand at work again.
Laura,
I know this is such a painful memory for you and I definitely don't want to make light of it; but how incredibly creative were you to pretend that you had AMNESIA? This post made me smile and well up both.
You were the happiest girl when we were in Boston together. I never knew you were running.
I'm so glad that I know you and please know that I think you're an amazing, funny, creative woman, and most importantly, a fantastic example of what a parent and family member should be!
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for having children after Laura.
Love
Derek
Thank you Laura.
Laura. When you came and lived with us it was a blast. I really liked having another sister around to tease just a little. I have to admit I use to laugh a little when you would say you had amnesia. I figured you had stuff and that is ok because you were family and We all loved you not as a cousin but as a sister and daughter. I use to think Its hard to BS a BS,er. LOL. Just remember live for the future and remember what the past taught. I have always thought you was a pretty neet person, a little dingy at times but that was just survival mode living in our house. I think Jill still fills like she is in survival mode. LOL Thanks for being you and we all love you very much. Jonny
Dear Laura,
I know this must have been hard for you since you had mentioned before that you dread when people bring this up because it meant you had to come clean to them. (ok, I can't remember you exact language so I paraphrased.)
So this post definitely took guts. And those guts among other body parts are what make you an amazing you!
No one is going to hold this against you or think badly of you. In your head it was a bigger deal. In your head people were going to judge you. In your head people were going to think badly of you. Never fear, that's all in your head.
We have all been young and dude we're stupid when we're young. Like no one has every done things to get attention before? Everyone can relate somehow to this story and your feelings at the time.
Now, if by some chance someone out there holds this against you or thinks badly because of this teenage moment then that person has some serious issues and it has nothing to do with you. And you just tell that person "Shove off, I don't judge you!"
Everyone has made choices in the past that they wish they hadn't make. But we mustn't regret those choices we must learn from them and continue to grow. This act, this choice is part of you and helped create the person you are today.
I Love you very much,
Stephanie
PS - Is shove off a bad phrase?
And this is why I love you.
Laura,
Thanks for alerting me to this blog. Wow. I had no idea. You were a really good actress.
I've never been good at staying in touch with people, but that doesn't mean I don't love them and treasure my memories with them. I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there for you. You were a very good friend to me then, and I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't had your friendship to cling to at the time. You must have gone to live with your aunt and uncle the year I went to college, because life in Monterey would not have been any fun without you there.
I'm so sorry I didn't know, but so glad you were able to work through things so quickly.
Susan
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